INDEX - FUN & GAMESwww.islandbreath.org ID#0719-04
SUBJECT: AMERICAN DREAM OBITUARY
SOURCE: JOHN WILSON firstname.lastname@example.org
POSTED: 21 OCTOBER 2007 - 7:00pm HST
The Jet Ski Economy & America
this article illustrated by Juan Wilson
by John House Wilson on 20 October 2007
In Economic News
Analysts Warn America Headed for Collapse of "Jet Ski Economy"
With another dismal week on Wall Street, further troubles in the housing market and oil prices hovering close to all time highs, financial analysts across the nation are warning that America may be headed into a difficult economic period for the "Jet Ski Economy." Analysts warn that a drastic drop in Jet Ski sales will characterize the initial stage of this "special" period, which may come within weeks.
"Sadly we expect to see a virtual elimination of all new Jet Ski sales within the next two years," said Goldman Sachs analyst Daniel Sherman, speaking from his jewel encrusted safe-room atop the Sachs office building in downtown Manhattan. "It is unlikely that America's dwindling middle class will chose new a Jet Ski over eating food in coming months, also with all time high prices for home heating fuel we may see consumers realize that it is difficult to recreate aquatically once one's major organs fail due to hypothermia."
Although the Jet Ski industry will be hardest hit other kinds of ridiculous motorized watercraft will also suffer says Sherman. Fun Unlimited's Personal Yuppie-scum Ocean Submersible, or P.Y.O.S., as seen in SkyMall catalogues, has already seen its sales drop 89% over the last two quarters.
"Despite our efforts PYOS is just not moving at present," says Skymall spokeswoman Holly Williams "But we're hoping that with the holidays coming people will be willing to spend a bit extra on the idiotic worthless crap, such as PYOS, that we have to offer."
Jeffery Higgins, owner of Big Hig's Abrasive Man Toys in Scottsdale Arizona, has also seen his sales suffer.
"It was a hard summer down here at Hig's, sales were down on all models, even Yamaha's new Whale Destroyer ZX… and that model is hot." Higgins, a tall oily man who smells of off-gassing vinyl and skin cancer, admits that the drop in sales is part of a larger economic problem, "Its hard for folks down here, I mean you can't buy a world class water vehicle with sand."
Yet despite a seemingly gloomy future for Jet Ski sales, Higgins is idiotically optimistic,
"You know there's always next year and Hell once the Greenland icecap melts and sea-level rises 30 feet, destroying ever major coastal city in America causing a humanitarian catastrophe of unimaginable scope, Scottsdale will only be minutes away form some world class water."
According to Sherman not only will new vehicle sales be affected, we are also likely to see many American's desperately attempt to unload their used jet skis in coming months.
"By summer 2008 will see thousands of barely used jet skis for sale in the gigantic poisoned lawns of suburbia. It will be a great time to buy… if you're looking to make a truly awful decision."
"I think this Jet Ski phase is just the beginning of a larger economic picture," says Duke University Economics Professor Louis Stanz.
"This will likely be just the first step in trimming back the icky congealed leg fat of our obese economy."
Marie Leghorn of Yale agrees. She says she is starting to see economic models that suggest that all forms of motorized recreation could disappear from the American landscape within the next two decades.
"As the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse descend and the earth becomes engulfed in a global conflagration of horrendous proportions the few mutated cannibalistic gangs of humans left alive will have little interest in motorized recreation."
"Well shit," said Higgins when reached for comment. "Really?"
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